i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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