my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
