I will die if light touches me.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
