he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
