I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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