you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize