How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize