Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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