i will never coherently bang her
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
