Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
