Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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