i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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