I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
