i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
