Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
