she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
