you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
