Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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