Someone shit on the floor
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
