I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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