I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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