get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
