Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
