Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Don't EVER smell your tampon
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
