Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
