Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
