Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
