I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
