Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
