At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
