I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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