OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
