I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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