Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
