I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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