i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
