there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
