Just took my morning after pill in the library
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
