Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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