my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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