I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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