The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
