Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
