Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
