I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
