listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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