Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
