I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
