The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
This house was built for laser tag.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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