Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
