I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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