The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
