I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
it's great music for shaving your balls
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
