I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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