Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
