Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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