just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
