I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Two words: blizzard sex
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
