highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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