I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
