i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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