Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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