Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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