turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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